The poor parents

The poor parents

Social values vary from country to country and change over time. All social values and religious ethics tell us to respect our parents. When I was a child parents were regarded as Gods and Goddesses. At that time parents were not poor even in poverty. They enjoyed prestige, dignity and honour in the family.

My father was a lawyer. In the evening he used to come home from the court. I saw him giving all his earnings to my paternal grandmother. She kept it in a secured place very carefully.

On each Friday my father used to go to the mosque for Friday prayer. Before going to the mosque he used to cut his hair. I have seen him saying to his mother, “ Mom, would you please give me six anas? I want to cut my hair.” My grandmother opened the knot of her Saree very carefully and gave six anas to my father. At that time sixteen anas made Taka one.

My father bought a house in Dhaka with his own money. Before documenting the purchase he said to my grandfather, “ Father, whose name will be documented as the owner of the house?” My grandfather said, “ Write my name there. I will be the owner of the house.” In the end, my uncle owned it according to my grandfather’s will. We got nothing from this house.

Those values are no more there. These days most of the Bangladeshi parents are poor and distressed. Their daughters-in-law are educated and conscious. One man’s income is not enough to run a single family. How can they allow their husbands to support their parents? They want privacy and an independent life. In most cases I have seen them annoyed with such responsibilities. If the father-in-law and mother-in-law are sharing the same household with their daughter-in-law, there is chaos. Sometimes, there are brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law in the same household. Usually daughters-in-law do not like them or they do not enjoy their presence. This seems to be natural to me because there is no blood connection or no experience of living or existing together for a long time. Sometimes there are other responsibilities too. For example, marriages of the younger sister's, education-cost of the younger brothers etc.

I observed that the main problem was limited amount of money to be shared with the parents. I feel that there is pleasure in sharing but often we do not feel it. Moreover, when we avoid our duties, it causes mental pressure on us either consciously or unconsciously.

Personally I believe that we should maintain some sacrificing spirits and moral standards. Once our parents have done much for us. Now, it is our turn to help them when they really need it.

Parents are often helpless. They spent their earnings for raising children. When the children grow up they are retired from work or they have no savings. They cannot survive without financial assistance of their sons.

It would be better if the parents could survive independently and if they could maintain a comfortable distance from their daughters-in-law but they cannot afford it because they are financially dependent on the income of their sons.

Parents who can live independently with their own income are really fortunate. They can enjoy freedom and self-respect. They can live with prestige, dignity and honour.

Singapore has an Act known as “Maintenance of Parents Act”. The purpose of this Act is to provide a safety net for needy and neglected parents who had no other resource. The Act provides for Singapore residents aged 60 years old and above, who are unable to subsist on their own, to claim maintenance from their children who are capable of supporting them but are not doing so. Parents can sue their children for maintenance, in the form of monthly allowances or a lump-sum payment. The Act also establishes the Tribunal for the maintenance of parents to decide on applications made under the Act (Reference: eresources.nlb.gov.sg).

China has a law that says grown children in China must visit their parents or potentially face fines or jail (BBC.com/news/world-asia-china-23124345).

It is shocking to me, that we need to make laws for this purpose. Why can’t we teach moral values to our children? One of my aunties said, “ We think that we have blood relations with our babies. They are of our flesh and blood. So, they will do their duties spontaneously. Actually, these issues are not spontaneous. It depends on how we teach them moral values from their childhoods. Training is a very important part for developing children’s personalities.”

In the end, I would like to say that for the sons of the poor countries and the developing countries it is tough to support their parents and sometimes including brothers and sisters. But even then we cannot ignore our duties towards our parents. Let us sacrifice some of our comforts and luxaries for our parents.

The third gender (Hijras)

The third gender (Hijras)

For writing this article I have collected information from Wikipedia and Aljazeera news.

People of the third gender are neither males nor females. They may have both male and female sexual organs or characteristics. In general, Hijras are born with typically male physiologies. Some Hijras undergo an initiation rite into the Hijra community called “Nirwaan”, which refers to removal of the penis, scrotum and testicles.

Scientists suggest that several prenatal, chromosomal, hormonal, biological and genetic factors might be responsible for birth of the population of third gender.

They are normally and naturally born of their parents, just the same way we were born. Yes, it is the same biological process of giving births to babies. In India, Bangladesh and Pakistan they cannot stay with their parents or the parents do not want to keep them because of social rejection or unacceptability.

I do not understand that why they can’t stay with their families. They have families. They have parents, brothers, sisters, uncles and aunties. We sometimes have dumb children, retarded children and children with other disabilities. We are keeping them with us. There is no harm if children of the third gender live with their families.

Besides sexual identity, Hijras are like other normal human beings. They can talk, hear, speak, work and are capable of doing other physical and mental activities. If they are given education, they can become engineers, doctors or professors. There are many Hijras all over the world. There are 700 thousand (0.2 to 0.3% of the total population) transgender people in the U.S.A ( Ref: livescience.com/50635-bruce-jenner-transgender-prevalence.html).

We must agree that they are realities of human existence. We cannot deny the fact that they are humans like us. When we degrade them, we actually degrade humanity.

In South Asia Hijras are separated from the main society. Many of them live in well defined and organized all-Hijra communities, led by a guru. These communities have sustained themselves over generations. They earn livelihoods by performing, dancing and singing in family functions, e.g. birthdays, marriages and childbirths. It is obligatory for hosts to pay them in money, grain or other things.

I have observed a common belief among household owners that if the Hijras are dissatisfied, they will curse them that would become effective. I have experienced that if I don’t pay them money they curse me very badly.

These days they are creating much problems to the shopkeepers, vendors and household owners of Dhaka city.The Hijras demand high amounts of money. If they don’t want to give as much as they want, the Hijras snatch away the products they were selling and curse and abuse the household owners using ugly language.

In Bangladesh, there are ten thousand Hijras. Yes, people complain that their behaviours are rough but they have something to say too. They say that they are deprived of all human rights. They are without jobs, income, education, health care facilities etc. Wherever they go they experience discriminations. They cannot be admitted to the public hospitals. They cannot earn their livelihoods. How can they survive without money? When they were born, their parents rejected them. Is it not shocking that parents rejected their own babies who were of their own flesh and blood? They have no burial rights. After deaths they do not get graves. They are refused and rejected even after death!

There are some positive aspects of the problem that we can discuss now. India, Nepal, Pakistan and Bangladesh have legally recognized existence of the third gender in relevant official documents including the passports. In Bangladesh, Hijras are eligible for priority in education and they have voting rights too. Bangladesh Government had a plan of recruiting the Hijras as traffic police. Once I read it in the newspapers. I am not aware of any implementation of this idea. In June, 2009, the Supreme court of Pakistan ordered a census of Hijra population which revealed that at that time the number of Hijra population was 300,000.

The Hijras of India are the most well known and populous third sex type in the modern world. Mumbai based community health organization “The Humsafar Trust” estimates that there are between 5 and 6 million Hijras in India. They can cast their votes and they have voter identity cards. They are entitled to reservation in education and jobs. As per verdict of Indian Supreme court dated 15 April, 2014, “Recognition of transgender as a third gender is not a social or medical issue but a human rights issue.” The verdict made India one of the few countries to give this landmark judgement.

I am in New Zealand now. Here birth certificates are available at birth showing “Indeterminate” sex if it is not possible to assign a sex. The New Zealand Department of Internal Affairs states, “ A person’s sex can be recorded as Indeterminate at the time of birth if it cannot be ascertained that the person is either male or female and there are a number of people so recorded.” Passports are available from December, 2012 with an “X” sex description where “X” means “Indeterminate/Unspecified”.

I think Hijras are not normal and natural phenomena. They do not look like normal. They don’t have normal reproductive systems. They cannot produce children. Human babies are born with other kinds of abnormalities too. Hijras are like them. They are born because of chromosomal, genetic and hormonal defects. They should be treated the way we treat our other physical defects. Surgical operations may help them. They should be transformed to either males or females with the respective reproductive systems so that they may produce children. The medical scientists will be able to describe this paragraph better. Research should be continued for giving the Hijras their sexual identities as either males or females. At the moment, if we cannot do this, we should recognize their human rights and treat them accordingly. If we achieve something in theory, we should practice it too.

We can give them work. They will be able to work in the factories even if they are not educated. They can be involved in construction work. They can work as cleaners. They can have proper education facilities. Our development partners may come forward for their rehabilitation.

I firmly believe that proper education, health facilities, rehabilitation, protection, security, love, affection and social acceptance can completely change their status. Social rejection and parental rejection will equally negatively affect all of us. In the end, we must remember that they are humans like us and definitely they are our sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunties, nephews and nieces. We must recognize our own flesh and blood.

Choosing the bride

Choosing the bride

Two types of marriages are conducted in Bangladesh. One is marriage for love and the other one is marriage of convenience. I understand that in Bangladesh most of the marriages are of convenience. These marriages are generally arranged by parents.

In case of love marriages, boys and girls love one another and then they get married. Still the Bangladeshi society is conservative. Usually the guardians do not approve of love among boys and girls without their consents. So, the lovers struggle a lot to get married.

In case of arranged marriages, it is only the girls who struggle hard to be chosen by the bridegroom’s parents and relatives. The men are in advantageous positions. Their demands are much higher than that of the girls. The girls from class five to the level of Master’s degree become candidates of one educated man. But a girl of any education level cannot be handed over to a man who studied up to class five only. Actually this is the story of the middle class people.

Men want everything. They want a rich and well reputed father-in-law, a beautiful and well educated bride and a dowry of high value. The story does not end here. They see and examine to their heart's content hundreds of girls for choosing only one bride.

I have seen that they take it as fun which causes a tremendous mental and financial pressure on the parents of the girls and on the girls themselves. The girls’ parents arrange tasty and costly food items to entertain them and take other necessary preparations to satisfy the bridegroom’s family. To face this ordeal many times, parents of the bride spend lots of money because each time the bridegroom’s family rejects the girl.

I have noticed that they don’t take it seriously. They do not think about the sorrows and frustrations of the bride and her parents. I have seen that the girls become devastated being rejected so many times without any valid reason.

I understand that they may not choose or like a girl but they can be respectful to them and their parents. They can see the photos of the brides, they can have ideas about the complexions of the brides, they can collect other information about their families before seeing the girl. I mean they can reduce the chances of rejection if they consider the matter seriously.

I understand that there are matchmaking organizations of Bangladesh. They should take care of this phenomenon so that before going to the homes of brides, they consider the issues of human respect and their sufferings along with financial costs.

Choosing a girl for marriage is not a fun. Men and women are choosing their life partners. It is not a commodity market. This is about human relations. So, from the very beginning mutual respects should be ensured.

I felt very sad when I found highly educated men, choosing brides by creating sufferings to hundreds of parents and girls. In this regard they can educate their families. They can educate the society.

In the end, I would urge the men and their families to pay due respect to the girls and their parents when they choose their brides.

Love

Love

This is my personal experience. Fulbanu was around 35 years old when she worked in my mother’s household. Her daughter Maya might be 12 years old. They were Six brothers and sisters. They used to live in a slum area, not very far from our home. Maya sometimes came to help her mother.

All maidservants of Bangladesh are ill paid. The society is based on exploitation like any other developing country. Social justice is least ensured.

There were other maids in our home. In the evening other maids from the neighborhood used to come to our home to join their friends. My mother was kind enough to allow this. I observed them talking, laughing and enjoying a lot among themselves. There was no lack of pleasure. Pleasures do not need education, status, position, income etc. It requires human feelings and human hearts. These are free gifts of nature.

We called our maids as “Bua”. At night they slept on mats. Smooth and deep sleep was their blessings. Within minutes they were in deep sleep. They needed no sleeping tablets and no medicine for diabetes and blood pressure. I felt that they were happier than us.

Once I called Maya to do some household work. In the end I gave her some money and a left over olive. I said, “Eat the olive here with some salt”. She said, “ No, I will take it home and eat it together with my parents, brothers and sisters.” I said, “ How is that possible? You have only one olive and including you there are eight family members.” She said, “ I will make “Bhorta” with it. First I shall boil it and then put salt, molasses, chili, coriander leaves and some mustard oil. I will then make smashed olive and share it with all family members during dinner.”

I was astonished hearing this. She taught me many things that I could not learn by reading many books. I felt that poverty created love, affection and human bond. Sharing is the first condition of love. Maya learnt it better than me. They did not have enough to have the whole of anything. They got parts and pieces. I felt love consisted of parts and pieces that needed to be shared.